“I’m the ‘bitter divorcée’ in her article, whose husband had an affair and can’t get over it! I’m so mad but when I talked to her about it, she couldn’t see why I was angry.”
Dear Coleen
I have this friend, who’s recently come through a very messy divorce and has dealt with it by writing about her journey online. I suppose it’s been therapeutic for her and other people can relate, too, so I’ve been encouraging.
However, a couple of weeks ago, I was reading her latest post and, to my horror, she’d included my story of divorce, although she hadn’t named me. She called me a “close friend”.
The piece was about being able to let go of bitterness to make room for another relationship. I found it patronising, but I might have been OK with it if she’d asked my permission before putting it online.
All our mum friends will read it and know it’s about me. I’m the “bitter divorcée” in her article, whose husband had an affair and can’t get over it! I’m so mad but when I talked to her about it, she couldn’t see why I was angry.
She claimed the tone was kind and supportive, which is technically true, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I’ve been avoiding her, which is a shame, but I don’t feel I can trust her. Also, she still hasn’t taken the post down. Am I overreacting?
Coleen says
I do think she should have run it by you first, especially if it’s obvious she’s writing about you and because you have kids. That’s what a friend ought to do.
But maybe one of the reasons it’s hurting you so much is that you know what she’s saying is right and it’s touched a nerve and it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I think it’s important to keep it in perspective, though. Yes, it’s annoying if your friends are going to read it, but they’ll know your story anyway and why worry about people who don’t know you?
I do understand from a friendship point of view that you’re less likely to trust her and might be worried about saying anything in front of her again in case she puts it on her blog. Friendships are built on trust and it’s important to feel you don’t have to hold back.
If you want to keep the friendship, rather than avoiding her or having a row, meet and let her know she’s overstepped and that you should be able to trust her with all your secrets and feelings, and you expect honesty back.
Explain if she’d come to you, you could have agreed on something. It might be a case of lack of thought or naivety on her part, assuming it would be OK because she hadn’t named you.
