Becoming a father can be a daunting life transition which, for many men, can be a stressful and isolating experience. Yet, fathers often lack access to support and information to help them cope during this transition. This is significant, as without support, it may increase a father’s risk of developing mental health problems – such as postnatal depression, which affects one in ten UK fathers.
To better understand the struggles that men experience during the transition to fatherhood, we conducted a global review of the available evidence on fathers’ mental health and wellbeing. We included 37 different studies in our review. These studies used a number of different approaches – including in-depth interviews, phone discussions and online surveys.
While some fathers had a positive experience during the fatherhood transition with no impact on their mental health, others found this period more challenging. Based on these findings, we were able to identify four key struggles men experienced when becoming a father. By understanding the most common struggles new fathers experience, this may make it easier to provide them the right help and support in the future.
1. Changed relationship with their partner
Many fathers struggled with the change and sometimes loss of their romantic relationship with their partner. The overwhelming demands that came with becoming a father, such as exhaustion and new parenting responsibilities, left little time for leisure and intimacy. The transition created a division between some couples that led to poor emotional wellbeing for fathers.
No one’s 20s and 30s look the same. You might be saving for a mortgage or just struggling to pay rent. You could be swiping dating apps, or trying to understand childcare. No matter your current challenges, our Quarter Life series has articles to share in the group chat, or just to remind you that you’re not alone.
Read more from Quarter Life:
Some fathers also expressed struggling with feeling left out of the relationship the mother and infant had. One participant even described feeling like “my child is my partner’s child”. Another reported they felt “secondary” throughout the transition into parenthood.
This feeling of exclusion started early on in pregnancy, where they felt like bystanders, and continued after birth. Fathers sometimes reported that their partner prevented them from being involved due to their partner’s heightened expectations and protectiveness. This undermined their confidence and ability to parent.
2. Confusion over the fatherhood role
Many fathers felt confusion over what was expected of them.
Numerous participants said they weren’t certain whether they should be adopting a more traditional “breadwinner” providing role, or a more modern caring protector role after becoming a father. Most fathers thought both roles were important, but found trying to balance financially supporting their family and spending time with their child and partner to be overwhelming and a “non-stop-ness of stress”.
Cultural background played a role here, with some fathers of diverse ethnic backgrounds feeling that financially supporting the family was of the utmost importance and caring for the child the mother’s responsibility.
metamorworks/ Shutterstock
Fathers experienced struggles and confrontation sometimes with their parents and in-laws on how to raise their child due to a generation gap. Many parents and in-laws pointed fathers to a more traditional parenting role, which sometimes caused disagreements. Advice from parents and in-laws was sought more willingly from fathers of non-westernised cultures due to the importance of “co-ordination with the family”.
3. Feeling forgotten and undervalued by health professionals
Certain fathers felt excluded and isolated by doctors and nurses during antenatal and postnatal consultations and appointments. One father even shared that “the midwife drew the curtain around me”.
Some fathers also experienced degrading humour and attitudes from healthcare staff. One father said health professionals he’d been in contact with had “the mindset of treating you like you’re a bit of a tool” and laughed at him, saying “look, dad’s struggling”. These experiences caused fathers to feel “unwanted and alienated” – being considered a “passenger” in the transition to fatherhood.
Fathers also felt there wasn’t enough tailored information or antenatal support that addressed their needs. Many cited specific issues around breastfeeding – wanting practical advice on how they could support their partner “once things started going wrong”.
4. Struggling alone
Fathers across the majority of studies included in our review were physically and emotionally tested to breaking point. But many fathers expressed not wanting to admit any emotional struggles within the transition, believing that “as a dad, you should not show weakness”.
Masculine ideals and stereotypes played a key role in influencing fathers to not access support – making them feel that needing support was a taboo. Fathers felt there was a lack of inclusive emotional and mental health support available for themselves. As one father admitted, “I try to battle it myself.”
Fathers felt they needed more opportunities to talk about these struggles within peer-support groups if accessible – as well as with family, friends and within work settings. This was a way for fathers to validate their fatherhood experiences, find out whether what they were experiencing was normal and find comfort within a stressful transition.
Our research demonstrates the importance of considering the wellbeing of fathers alongside mothers during the transition into parenthood. Providing emotional and mental support for both mothers and fathers will assist with a more positive and effective parenting transition for fathers and the whole family. There’s a need for greater attention to fathers’ experiences of support and programmes to inform future support.